my daily bread.

I woke up this morning before my eyes did, so heavy, closed tight with the
hope of more dreams,
more
aching.
I gave in a little.
I just lay still, quiet, listening to all of the life outside my window.

Its a constant struggle here for eveyone.
for everything there is an intention,
a motive,
because it all takes a little bit more work, but most people here revel in that glory.In that pusuit.

so do I..

lately, tho, I have slowed down, catching myself making wishes on dandelions and striking up conversations with men selling dollar newspapers with the saddest eyes I have ever felt...

I am seeing peoples eyes when I talk to them and the way they dance around the room instead of meeting mine,

and looking in at my new neighbors window, and how they have so much stuff to unpack, but if our eyes collide, they look away, or maybe I did. I don't even know their names.

This city, this neighborhood, this apartment, all the people, constant people, constant noise from cars racing down Fell St, the dog one floor above us crying all day long for the only thing he loves in the whole world to come home.

I realize that despite all of this, this city is so small, full of heart, and rain, and bits of sunshine...
full of everything that I never want to leave, but fear that I can't always stay.

I hope to have a child here, showing them that life isn't always easy, you must always pursue it.
And good people aren't easy to find, you must always hold onto them.
And you must always smell the flowers because sometimes you can go blocks and blocks without seeing another.
And always look for stars, because when you see them, you have to hold your gaze on them, because they probably won't see them tomorrow.
And always recycle, look how much people throw away.
And that God and grandmas live in the clouds where the sun breaks through.
And its true what they say, big things come in the smallest of packages,
I hope for a family in this tiny apartment.
And just that thought alone is too big to hold.

But, I also would like to grow old here, so that I am never lonely.
Because I think that is all there really is when lines are finally equal with your smiles.
Time. and people. and family, and stars. and grandmas.

I think today will be good, because it is always good when the sun is shining and there are more bikes than cars and everyone is sitting outside drinking their coffee.

Coffee.
with a little milk please.

thank you.